This recent survey by the Historical Writers Association has declared Henry VIII the “worst monarch in history”. I, like many historians on Twitter, find this a fairly ridiculous thing to state – not least because what is being measured when we say “worst”? Is it a moral question, or one of political success? And is Henry really the epitome of awful in the entirety of human history? I think you’d be hard pressed to find any historian who can make that claim stand up.
But it did remind me that, a few years back, I had quickly scribbled a song for Horrible Histories series 3. It was never used, not least because I was never asked to write it by my producer (I did it mainly for the fun of it), but I think now might be a good time to dust it off. The point of the song was to illustrate that our own inward obsession with national history means we can quite often ignore what was happening elsewhere at the same time. And so, rather fittingly, I present you my very silly song about who was the Crueller Ruler? Henry VIII or Russia’s famed Tsar, Ivan the Terrible.
I think you guess my feelings on the matter…
HENRY VIII versus IVAN THE TERRIBLE Song
V/O:
Please welcome to the stage, King Henry VIII.
GRAMS: BALLADIC MUSIC
HENRY VIII (warbling sincerely):
I’m Henry the Eighth, the terrible Tudor,
Of all the kings, I was the meanest ruler,
In Tudor times, you could not be crueller!
ENTER: IVAN THE TERRIBLE, suddenly smashing his way through a wall
GRAMS: abruptly stops as the needle scratches across the record
IVAN THE TERRIBLE (Russian accent)
The fat man lies! Everyone knows I was the cruellest ruler from the 1500s!
HENRY VIII (shouting off-screen)
Security? There’s a strange foreign tramp on my stage…
IVAN THE TERRIBLE
I am no tramp! I am Ivan the Terrible, Tsar of Russia…and I was far crueller!
HENRY VIII (annoyed)
Oh yeah?
IVAN THE TERRIBLE
Yeah!
HENRY VIII (annoyed)
We’ll see about that! (to off-screen) Hit it!
GRAMS: High tempo showtune, a la ‘Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better’
HENRY:
I’m Henry the Eighth,
I’m the baddest king in town,
No-one gets to diss me,
Not unless you are my clown,
His name is Will Summers,
I let him give me cheek,
But no-one else can mock me,
Or they’re dead within the week!
IVAN THE TERRIBLE:
I too once had a jester,
Who acted very dumb,
He loved to pull his pants down,
And show us all his…rear,
But often I got angry,
Ripped my hair out from the strife, (He rips a clump of hair out)
One day I chucked my soup at him,
Then stabbed him with a knife!
CHORUS
IVAN: I was the cruellest, the mightiest bully!
HENRY: What about me? I disagree with you fully!
BOTH: At least we can both agree on one thing,
It was dangerous to live when we were both king!
HENRY VIII:
My courtiers were terrified,
I loved a bit of gore,
I chopped Bishop Fisher,
And my friend Sir Thomas More!
IVAN THE TERRIBLE:
Dull old beheading?
Where’s the fun in that?
I dropped cats and dogs from towers,
And watched them all go splat!
CHORUS
HENRY: I was the meanest, made people so scare-able!
IVAN: Did you not hear my name? I’m Ivan the TERRIBLE!
BOTH: At least we can both agree on one thing,
It was dangerous to live when we were both king!
HENRY VIII:
70,000 people,
Executed in my reign!
IVAN THE TERRIBLE:
I destroyed Kazan city,
Killing more in a day!
HENRY VIII:
I married six women,
Executed two wives!
IVAN THE TERRIBLE:
Well, I married eight,
And personally murdered five!
GRAMS: The music stops abruptly again
HENRY VIII (surprised)
Really?
IVAN THE TERRIBLE (quickly)
Yes – Poisoned, poisoned, poisoned, divorced, murdered, buried alive, drowned…and survived!
HENRY VIII (jealous)
At least mine’s easier to remember…
GRAMS: Music kicks back in
CHORUS
IVAN: I was a monster, a figure of hate!
HENRY: But I’m much more famous, I’m Henry number Eight!
BOTH: At least we can both agree on one thing,
It was dangerous to live when we were both king!
IVAN THE TERRIBLE:
Impaled and roasted peasants,
And I even killed my son!
HENRY VIII (impressed):
I thought I was cruellest,
But now I know you’ve won!
IVAN THE TERRIBLE:
I boiled my chief minister,
Burned a Prince at the stake,
Tied kids to heavy sleighs,
And threw them in a lake,
HENRY VIII (impressed):
That is terrible!
IVAN THE TERRIBLE:
Not done yet…
But I was cruellest of all,
To the Archbishop of Novgorod,
Had him sewn into a bearskin,
Then eaten by wild dogs!
CHORUS
HENRY: Ivan the Terrible was violently mad!
IVAN: But Henry the Eighth was still pretty bad
BOTH: At least we can both agree on one thing,
It was dangerous to live when we were both king!
END
